I woke up crying. Again. The dream was so real. It has to be real and this…this waking up has to be the dream. This has to be the dream!!
My belly is round. I’m glowing with excitement. I was made for motherhood. I know that my tall full figure body was built for this moment of creation. This beautiful co-creation. We are filled with joy. So much joy. So much love. I should be feeling the baby move any moment…
Then a sliver of consciousness.
Wait…Am I pregnant? Am I dreaming?
I want to go back to the dream. Can I go back? I fight it. Fight waking up as it all comes back.
Like a ton of bricks it hits me.
No, I’m not pregnant. There is no baby. There is no “we”.
Cancer. I had cancer. I had a hysterectomy.
I come fully awake, silent tears rolling down my cheeks, hands on my belly. No, I’m not pregnant. My body no longer has the capacity to create a living being.
Three years ago, the day before my 35th birthday, I had the first of many test. Five weeks later I found out that I had uterine cancer. Six months after diagnosis I had a hysterectomy. Then the dreams started. Like I wrote before there are and will always be moments when I feel a twinge of pain. The dreams don’t happen as often anymore, but my birthday was last week and I guess that stirred things up. I know it stirred things up. Oh my that hurt.
There are parts of my life that haven’t turned out exactly how I thought they would. So in this moment of “waking up” I’m choosing to let the old dreams go to make room for new ones. I let it all go. Now there is room for new dreams.
I make another choice. I choose to say…life is GOOD!
Ahhh life is good.
Now I’m off to bed…again. Think I will sleep this time.
Thank you for reading.
p.s. Tell me about your dreams.